I want to Believe

I told my mother I don’t want to check
COL or Shmais or Shturem
No more.
I can’t take it.
Don’t want to
See.
Don't want to see.
Don’t want to see.

I told my peers I don’t want to find out
On the phone.
Through a text.
That more Teffilos have gone
Unanswered.
He didn’t hear.
Or if He did
He didn’t accept.
I don’t want to
Hear.
Don't want to hear.
Don’t want to hear.

I told my friends I don’t want to read
On Facebook, in newspapers, on blogs.
About another
Tragedy.
I’m already
Numb.
So what’s the point?
May as well
Not read.
Don’t want to read.
Don’t want to read.

I want to understand.
I want to make sense.
I want to empathize, sympathize
Not be
Desensitized.
I want to have clarity
And faith and trust
Which elude me
In what surrounds me.

I want to be strong
Optimistic
Yet with each passing day
Realism kicks in.
And I find myself groping
In the dark.
And pessimism grates at my brain
Even though
I want to believe.
I want to believe