When Real Life Begins

When Real Life Begins

The night before High School began, I remember laying in bed and thinking to myself. Tomorrow, Life really begins. That’s it. Tomorrow, I enter a world of responsibility, opportunity, freedom and independence. How utterly wonderful and terrifying it felt at the same time.
Then I stepped into my first class the next morning. Freshly dressed in crisp uniform, daring the folds to stay just so, a beaming smile plastered on my face, belying the sick feeling at the pit of my stomach. My shoes were waxed shiny, I stood with straight back and a determined expression in my eyes.
But when the homeroom teacher finished her welcome speech and went straight onto the rules- a slight frown tugged its way toward the corners of my mouth. What was this? Rules? What happened to Life and the new-found power we were supposed to be handed, on silver platters? Weren’t all my horizons ordained to widen right here, at this very moment? How could my glorious future path be trodden on by yours truly- if rules were being placed like stumbling blocks on a traffic road?
Real Life, I decided, had obviously not begun.

And it hadn’t. Because high school offered the same comfort and security of my parents and my teachers gently guiding my way, as elementary school had. Nothing had changed at all. And I wandered curiously, when does Real Life begin?

Seated on a large flying creature, albeit without the feathers, tossed high among wispy clouds that were sometimes in such abundance I could have mistaken the piles for snow, I recall breathing a sigh of sheer happiness. This was it! Life was about to start! I had shaken off all my previous shackles of suppression of my true self by leaving the source of it all- my home! I was winging my way toward Life itself, a journey of growth and change awaiting me. Seminary was approaching rapidly, literally, along with all its glittering opportunities.
I would be living alone, without family. I would be in a different country. I would be internalizing new and interesting concepts and broadening my thought process. Real Life was beginning- and while the faint traces of homesickness were already fingering their scaly tendrils around my tightening chest, I sensed liberty!
Until I met the dorm counsellors. And the dorm mothers. And the principal. And found out about curfew. And ipod guidelines. And the rule about no computers. ‘This,’ I muttered to a new friend, during the orientation, ‘can’t be Real Life.’ It was still a safe cocoon of cushioned borders and limitations. And though the cocoon was larger than the high school one had been, more luxurious and fun, it was a cocoon all the same. It was a Life that was still very much decided by others around me, and their definition of Real did not always match mine.
Though I had a fantastic experience that year, the question tugged earnestly at the back of my head. When does Real Life begin?

The year over, I set out onto the next stage, eager as a newborn calf learning to walk. I had taken up the trend that was fast becoming the norm for those just out of seminary. I joined a family out on Shlichus, as we call it in my circles, or Kiruv, a term some others may be more familiar with. This involved flying out to a said family and experiencing a taste of working to bring Judaism to others. While definitely challenging, it is an inspiring and beautiful feeling to observe and be a part of a community far removed from the basics, and watch Judaism unfold through their eyes.
I was feeling lucky, pensive and thrilled all at once. This time, finally, I figured, I was going into Real Life in a big way! The position I was taking as a Chabad intern dealt the girls an apartment of their own, at least one car, and besides for the responsibilities of the job we were there to do, our hours were for us to do as we pleased. Total liberty and oh so much space. Not only that, but the added advantage of suddenly becoming grown ups and being looked upon as mature adults pushed our sweltering egos up another notch. Real Life was beginning- my first step into the working world with it- and I was bursting with pride, and, anxiety to prove myself successful, at the same time.
It was toward the middle of the year, when a neighbouring group of girls doing much of the same thing we were doing, visited us for Shabbos, that the faint stirrings began.
As we discussed the options for the coming year, following our leave from the wonderful place we were at, one of us sighed and said, “Oh my goodness. Real life is really about to begin.”
I looked at her and my first thought was- attack! What is she saying??? What is this if not Real Life?
Then I thought about my year and nodded slowly, even as another friend began talking.
“Yeah, this year was our first year with no supervision, no strict guidance. But, come on- it wasn’t Real Life. In Real Life, you live in an apartment on your own, you pay for it. You buy your own food for it. You lease your own car, you dig up the money for the gas. You have a job- you’ve searched long and hard for it and chances are, you have no support backing you up.”
The list went on and on and once again, I felt cheated out of Real Life. Though this time, a new sensation crept over me as I wandered with some worry, when would Real Life begin?

The girls were still arguing and a heated discussion ensued. Miriam staunchly stated that Real Life began the following year, with its job search and, for some of us, marriage search. Chana reminded her dryly that living under your parents roof was hardly considered difficult. To which Nechamah then mused, that getting married was the obvious stage to be considered Real Life.
But Real Life hasn’t begun till you have a child, and have to be selfless and giving of yourself to someone else, Rivkah countered.
The comments rang in my ears as I digested it all. Real Life, Real Life, Real Life. When does it begin?

And it disturbed me, this question, even when I left my Shlichus job and came home to work. It lingered at the back of my mind as I prepared for my first day of teaching high school. It had me pondering its answer as I listened to my friend talk about her dating prospects. It left me feeling confused when I spoke to my newly expecting friend as she joyfully spoke of her soon to be born child. It tormented me when I visited my ageing grandparents and listened to the stories of their youth. It resonated within me for the truth while I helped my sister bathe her high demanding kids.
When does Real Life really begin?

It came to me one ordinary day and struck me with blinding clarity.
A new Life had entered the world, unbeknown to my family, as we celebrated a three day Yom Tov. A feat only G-d can accomplish, in His infinite strength and wisdom. A beautiful baby girl was born on the first day of Succos to my brother and his wife who live abroad. As soon as I heard the wonderful news and exhausted my voice with a never ending stream of well wishing and excited whoops, I awaited eagerly for a picture of my beautiful niece.
The pictures were dutifully sent and, the moment I saw her, several things happened at once:
I was astounded at her miraculous perfection and stunning features. Every nuance of her face so delicately formed, so new and fresh and transfixing. Her innocence overpowered me. Her options, a life stretched out before her, astounded me. I contemplated her security, born to caring, loving parents who would provide for her and protect her with all their might. And I marveled at her absolute trust and dependence on the world around her.
A few days ago, this baby had not been part of the human race. In a matter of minutes, a life had entered the world. A Real Life.
This child stood for everything I had ever questioned. What was Real Life, if not life itself? Every second, every moment, every millisecond and instant, Real Life is presented to us. From the very beginning of our lives, as babies, as toddlers, as youths and teenagers, we are presented with challenges and opportunities and the decision lies within our hands only, what to do with them. How to face them. How to embrace them. How to learn from them. How to turn each encounter, each situation into a Real Life experience.
Because, I finally understood, it’s not about when Real Life begins. It begins whenever you want it to.
It’s about making Life Real.